Food for the Food Hole


There’s no part of feeding a baby that isn’t weird.

First of all, breastfeeding is obviously something someone came up with while they were drunk. What if babies had to suck on a piece of their own mother until white liquid came gushing out, and then they ate it? Brilliant.

Rachel had no problem with breastfeeding, which was a great relief given all the horror stories we’d heard about women struggling. I can’t even imagine the emotional turmoil associated with not being able to provide for your baby in the so-called “normal” way. And the madness of that before easy alternatives existed. But yes, my wife produces ample amounts from her more than ample bosom, but is still very sexy.

Before Felix was a real human, she was adamant that she would NOT be breastfeeding because it was an icky and inconvenient thing. Then he came and her brain released special hormones that make you think your baby is literally the best thing ever.*

Since I’m the stay-home dad and Rachel is the winner of bread and transporter of bacon, she had to start pumping. Every day she goes to work and twice carts herself off to a private place and attaches an electric pump to her body. Because that’s fucking LOVE, okay? We were originally worried that Felix wouldn’t like bottles, but he was pretty quick to make the adjustment. He did put on a face like “What the fuck is this? This isn’t a nipple. What sort of scam are you trying to pull here you sniveling sack of-OH MY GOD THERE IS FOOD IN THIS NOM NOM NOM.”

We have, on the¬†occasion¬†of an occasional emergent emergency, had to resort to formula feeding. I hate doing it because it’s not as good for him, it makes his butt lock tighter than a bank safe and it’s a bloody hassle. And sometimes, like yesterday, the picky little droplet decides he doesn’t WANT formula, even though he’s eaten it with no complaints a dozen times before. “No,” he says, “get this filth out of my mouth. I only seek the finest breast milk squeezed from a mother who bathed in a moonlit lake atop a mountain of frozen spring water.” And then it all comes dribbling out his mouth, as if even swallowing a drop would be like licking a ball of sweaty ass and dirt.

*NB: Felix really is the best thing ever, and I will have my baby fight your baby to prove it.

One Response to “Food for the Food Hole”

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